I have decided to take the next step with vulnerability. I am opening the book to which the pages reveal the most intimate, honest, painful, and beautiful moments in my life. This blog will reveal nothing close to a perfect Christian. As a matter of fact I want to tell the story of how imperfect I am and how powerful and life changing God's grace is.
You see, I have been on this walk for some time now. I have had several moments where I have failed to stand by my promise when all He has ever done was be true to His. I now have wonderful people in my life who take joy in holding me accountable with the steps I take and I am forever grateful and in love with these relationships with such Godly people.
Now it's time to hold myself accountable by being very open and transparent with my writing.
I have made several blogs for several reasons, but never for something like this. I have journals that hold my deepest regrets and shameful ways. Some things I refused to put into writing in hopes that after time the hurt would fade and the memories would disappear. I spent many nights angry with God in the past because I was expecting his forgiveness to make the pain go away.
It doesn't work like that...
It wasn't until I truly learned of his grace and the freedom to be found in bringing your sin to the light, that life really began to change for me. It wasn't that God hadn't forgiven me, it was that I hadn't learned to forgive myself.
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I took a couple steps back in my walk with Christ the other day, and awoke with a feeling of disgust. Gratefully this time I knew exactly who to turn to. There He was, with open arms, waiting to tell me it was all going to be okay. That morning I walked around with my chin to my chest and spirits as low as the ground that I walked on. I couldn't bring myself to understand how easy it could be to fall back like that.
A couple of hours later, I got online to check the account for my mission trip and at that moment an email came through. A friend of mine from work had emailed to tell me that she shared the donation link for my trip with her family and to expect a couple of donations.
Just like that, I was reminded that no matter what I believe I am worth, God still sees me as an investment and to him I AM WORTH IT ALL.
The rest of that day was still pretty emotional. I got home that evening, ate a quick dinner, and took a shower in hopes of ending the day as fast as I could. Something wouldn't let me give up just yet though... A song had been replaying in my mind all day and in that moment, I took the time to listen to myself sing out the lyrics. I fell instantly to my knees in tears and cried out to Jesus. He has been trying to get me to sing with Him all day, but I continued to let my shame cloud his presence. Still on my knees, my tears soaked the towel that was once wrapped around my head.
That night I didn't end the night early. I stayed up and I sang, and I sang, and I sang until I was free from shame and my heart was once again mended by His most precious gift of GRACE !!
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2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (The Message)
Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I
wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in
constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down;
what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around
high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to
remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit
focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of
Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride,
and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse,
accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the
weaker I get, the stronger I become.
