Words, Seasons, & Things

Well Well... Look where God has brought me. Back to an old blog I semi-purposely quit writing for. Don't you love when He does that? When you ask for a moment with Him to unravel some things on your heart and He takes your hand and leads you down a long, now painful, path of "remember whens". So fun. 

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I've been in this cloud of wonder for some time now. Trying to figure out what it is God has for me in the near future. Having absolutely no plan for life, but twelve-thousand dreams on my heart. My husband (wow that's a first for this blog) would tell you that all of those dreams can be overwhelming to those who function off plans and lists. I can't see why. No really, I can't. I think it's fun to dream and make an itinerary for a trip that will probably never happen or name all 15 puppies I know I'll never have. Do you remember the game Sims? I would create multiple houses and each one was filled with different scenarios for how my life could play out one day. In one house I was living with my best friend Holly and our "one-day husbands" and we were pregnant at the same time. It was awesome! Well, now it would just be awkward, but I got to virtually live that out back when I was young and that was for some reason an actual dream of mine. If she reads this one day, I hope she laughs! I don't have a plan, and I'm not sure that I want one. Any plan I ever made got wrecked either by God's saving grace or my very ADD and adventurous heart. Though I'm thankful God created me the way He did, I have had to fight shame because of it. You task oriented people... geez. The enemy knows how to disguise your confusion for discouragement. The people-pleaser part of me speaks all kinds of names over me such as "failure". Crazy thing is I start to believe it until those moments where God takes me back to those "remember whens". Oh, that's right. My identity is already protected. I don't have to feel this way anymore. 

So why am I here? Why did I just write a bunch of words describing the chaos in my head right now? I was reading a post this morning where someone asked God for a word for 2019. My immediate thought was "Oh that's a good word. I remember when I used to ask God for a word. Good for her!" Then immediately I hear God speak... 

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God: Remember when... 
Me: No... don't say it.
God: Remember when I had you in a a season of vulnerability, too? Where did you go? We weren't done.
Me: Right now? Really?
God: LOVE YOU.

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V U L N E R A B I L I T Y

God didn't have to ask me where I went when I walked away from His challenge. He knew where I ran off to once fear and shame came after me again. He asked me because he wants me to reflect back to that moment. Evaluate what scared me. He loves me enough to encourage me to fight that demon in my life. What I know more now than ever is that I don't have to fight hard. The battle is already won, because THAT IS HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME. So, let's do this. God is calling me back into a season of vulnerability in my walk, in my prayers, in my worship, in my marriage. In all that I do. 

There's 32 days left in 2018. Do you need all 32 days to prepare your heart for what God is going to do in 2019 like I do? I encourage you to take some time to listen to the word God is whispering to your heart for 2019. I pray you find peace in it. 

Without any plan or list, here goes nothing! 

Faith Makes A Fool of What Makes Sense

I keep fighting the idea of walking through another season of  "I don't understand" and "This makes no sense". I keep telling myself I am not afraid, but what if I am? What if I am finally admitting to being afraid that God has forgotten my heart? 

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I missed it, I know I did. I chose fear over truth, and doubt over faith.

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The truth is that God sees me. He crafted my heart to love and serve the way it desires to. He hasn't forgotten a single detail. What I can't see because I have been blinded by fear is that He is waiting for me on the other side with His promise in His hands. He is waiting for me to walk directly into the familiar path of darkness, clinching onto faith while believing that He will shed light on every step I take. I already know this, I have been here before. I am currently walking out of a season with the same beginning. I have seen His faithfulness through it all even when it didn't make sense. 

It's not in His plan to fail me now.

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I'm tired of fighting, God. I'm ready to say yes even though this makes no sense and I don't understand what you're up to now. 2 Peter 3:9 reminds me that You are not slow in keeping every promise You have so sweetly whispered to my heart. I will rise up in confidence ready fight for your Kingdom. I surrender my heart to Your plan, God. 

My answer is, YES. 

Perfect Romance

Who am I to deserve such grace? What deeds have I done to deserve such marvelous blessings? Every day You wake me up with a kiss on the forehead and leave a note reminding me of the love You have for me. You perfectly craft my days so that I don't grow comfortable in my faith, but instead challenge me to reach further for Your delicate and restoring touch. During this season, You have restored my heart with so much hope. You've strengthened my soul. You have reminded me of my identity when the lies try to surface. What a beautiful love story you've written in my name. A Father who romances His daughter to ensure she knows her worth to this world. You are perfect. Freedom is the gift You made a way for when I saw none. knowing that I cannot ever repay, you gifted me with more. Love, my most favorite gift of them all. Thank You for love. Thank You for the ability to love in return without fear. 

Faithful You've been, faithful You are, faithful You will be forevermore.

My Heart's Journey

There was a day when I thought everything I wanted in life was never to come. I believed a poisoned lie that I was too different to be worthy enough. 

Take a walk with me. Stop. The leaves fall as the wind picks up turning that single leaf into the most gorgeous butterfly. How perfect it is that, that leaf was chosen. My heart is still.  

Here Again

I'm back here again. Here to process the weight of my heart.

 My heart yells.
 I look away searching for something to justify the smile on my face.
I've perfected this smile to be louder than what I hear coming from within.
What have I done?
When did I drift from nurturing to torturing my own heart?
I look around and I'm surrounded by memories of the times I felt most loved.
Now it feels that the ghost of my once upon a time has robbed me of my value.

Reaching For His Robe

How can someone so perfect love someone so flawed? I am weak where He calls me to be strong. Fearful where He calls me to be brave. Sometimes even lost when I've already been found. How can He love me as perfectly as He does? This is a love I cannot understand. A love beyond the possibilities of my own heart. 

Every single time I fall and finally give up on sitting in my shame, I look up to find my Father's hand reaching for mine. I am overwhelmed with new blessings that I do not deserve, but why?

Now I know this is the Lord of all we speak of, and I understand the sacrifices that come with His perfect gift of love, I just don't understand what He sees in me.

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Whom am I to deserve such grace? What deeds have I done to deserve such marvelous blessings? Every day you wake me up with a kiss on the forehead and leave a note reminding me of the love you have for me. You perfectly craft my days so that I don't grow comfortable in my faith, but instead challenge me to reach further for your delicate and restoring touch.

I want to see myself the way the Lord sees me. 

Even just for a quick moment.

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A risk of faith, Daughter.

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Nothing Can Separate Us from God’s Love

31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself? 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

He Loves Me

What a romance...

Every day God reveals to me how much He loves me. He highlights specific blessings in my life to show me that He's near - That He's listening. 

Yesterday He filled my heart with so much joy. He highlighted the faces of all the people that love me, and oh, they love me well. 

I was nervous early yesterday morning realizing that it was my twenty-fifth birthday. All of the things I hoped to accomplish by 25, I've accomplished none. This hit me hard for a split second, BUT GOD of course wouldn't let me sit in that awful place for very long. He quickly gave me this beautiful story book of all the things I have accomplished these past two years since choosing to walk with Him wholeheartedly, that completely surpass anything I imagined for myself. I really wish I could burn the story on a disc to share, but how amazing is it that we have an intentional Father who is very personal. He made that story book just for me, and for me only. It's between us. I love that. He didn't stop there though, He revealed to me a piece of what He has for me. I cannot express the excitement in my heart. It is just so perfect.

Throughout the day I walked past those highlighted blessings, sat across them at lunch tables, worshiped besides them in service, read such sweet birthday messages from them, and ate some delicious fro-yo along side them. I felt so loved and so celebrated all day long. Then God spoke...

"Daughter, I send you these people not to show you how much they love you, but to show you how much I love you. I loved you first."

"I loved you first"... That just set so well with my heart. My plans failed because He loved me first. These new journeys He's been taking me on from missions to children's ministry to worship are all because He loved me first. How blessed are we to live under the leadership of a God who loved us first.

Walk in that.

As for being 25, I choose to walk in the excitement that the Lord placed in my heart.

It's going to be amazing - I just know it.

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So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.

Philippians 1:9-11  MSG

Slowing Down

Man, God is such a talker. Who knew... 

I seem to be in this new season where He keeps begging me to slow down and just listen to His voice a little deeper, more intentionally, and with a heart to react in obedience. I'm so glad that I finally gave in to trying to hold it all together, and chose to give it all back to God. It's awful, how deeply I burry myself without even noticing it. I'm so grateful to serve a God who joyfully showers me in His perfect grace and endless love. 

The biggest weight I carry is one that tries to convince me that it's my responsibility to keep everyone happy. It tells me that time to myself is not important, and it belongs to the rest of the world. People matter to me. I would give my life so easily for people without question, but I have to learn that my life matters too. I'm learning that if I don't give myself the time I need to free myself, to gain knowledge God has for me, to invest in my heart's desires, then I am not honoring God's will for my life. Such a hard thing to learn, but it makes so much sense. Time for myself is His time with me. 

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I'm currently alone right now downtown in Sundance Square. I know, I know... I can already hear my fathers voice saying "what's the matter with you? Are you crazy or what?". I might be, I don't know. What I do know is that if this is crazy, it feels so much like home. The sky is black. Faces are glowing with the building lights. People are in love. Children are running, and laughing with children who were strangers shortly before. Michael Jackson is singing to me. If I'm crazy, don't bring me back from this. I've been longing to hear with my heart again. I am home. 

Today I Choose Joy

I'm ashamed of how easy it has been lately for me to forget who is in control.
I spin in circles trying to understand what I am not made to understand.

Why?

I know where I find my every ounce of peace and I know very well the man who is waiting to embrace me with His healing hands.
I have made it more difficult for myself than it has to be.



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I am holding onto your promise, Father. Regardless of how many times I stumble walking towards your perfect promise, I will choose to keep walking forward with eyes fixed on you. I choose you God. I choose your love over any other love my heart yearns for.
You are enough



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The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd.
 By faith, we see the world called into existence by God’s word, what we see created by what we don’t see.

Hebrews 11:1-3


Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. In him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God’s Yes and our Yes together, gloriously evident. God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us. By his Spirit he has stamped us with his eternal pledge—a sure beginning of what he is destined to complete.

2 Corinthians 1:20-22


 Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.


Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10




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I will not fear
for you are with me always

Caught In Your Grace

I've reached another point in my walk this season where I feel like I cannot continue any longer. A point where my heart is tired of crying out late at night and my ears have grown weary at the attempt to patiently wait for direction. 

Father, I need you. I know the promise you have for me, and though my heart has grown tired I still believe in your precious promise. You love me so well even when no part of my being deserves to be loved by you. Who am I to be used by you. Renew my strength, God. Remind me of the unyielding woman you have made me to be. At your feet you will find my burdens and my multitude of tears, take them. I can't hold onto them any longer. 

Father, let me touch your robe. 

Heal my heart.

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Soak me in your laundry and I’ll come out clean,
    scrub me and I’ll have a snow-white life.
Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,
    set these once-broken bones to dancing.
Don’t look too close for blemishes,
    give me a clean bill of health.
God, make a fresh start in me,
    shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don’t throw me out with the trash,
    or fail to breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile,
    put a fresh wind in my sails!
Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
    so the lost can find their way home.
Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
    and I’ll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
Unbutton my lips, dear God;
    I’ll let loose with your praise.

//Psalm 51:8-15//

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Jesus, on you, I wait.... 

He Sees Us

Beautiful moment for me...

On the weekends I work for my church in the children's ministry dept. I work with 5th and 6th graders and it is such a joy. Those who know me well, know that I'm a child at heart and this is such a wonderful opportunity for me at the end of my week to be able to let loose and be a kid while also investing in Gods precious children. Today God made a way for me to not lead, and instead sit back with the kids. He sent a message today that broke a wall I've been crying out for Him to break. How beautiful... A message to these small children, He also meant for His older daughter... FOR ME. You see, we are no different than any of His other children in His eyes. No age, race, beliefs, NOTHING separates us in His eyes. He speaks to us even when we think we aren't meant to listen. He is everywhere. Always working for our purpose. He loves me... He hears me... He restores me. 

Today, Miss Araceli stood in the back of the room and cried like the child that God sees her as. My father knew His daughter needed to hear His voice and He spoke. Such a beautiful perspective He opened my eyes to. 

You are so faithful to me, God.