My Heart's Journey

There was a day when I thought everything I wanted in life was never to come. I believed a poisoned lie that I was too different to be worthy enough. 

Take a walk with me. Stop. The leaves fall as the wind picks up turning that single leaf into the most gorgeous butterfly. How perfect it is that, that leaf was chosen. My heart is still.  

Here Again

I'm back here again. Here to process the weight of my heart.

 My heart yells.
 I look away searching for something to justify the smile on my face.
I've perfected this smile to be louder than what I hear coming from within.
What have I done?
When did I drift from nurturing to torturing my own heart?
I look around and I'm surrounded by memories of the times I felt most loved.
Now it feels that the ghost of my once upon a time has robbed me of my value.

Reaching For His Robe

How can someone so perfect love someone so flawed? I am weak where He calls me to be strong. Fearful where He calls me to be brave. Sometimes even lost when I've already been found. How can He love me as perfectly as He does? This is a love I cannot understand. A love beyond the possibilities of my own heart. 

Every single time I fall and finally give up on sitting in my shame, I look up to find my Father's hand reaching for mine. I am overwhelmed with new blessings that I do not deserve, but why?

Now I know this is the Lord of all we speak of, and I understand the sacrifices that come with His perfect gift of love, I just don't understand what He sees in me.

..........................................

Whom am I to deserve such grace? What deeds have I done to deserve such marvelous blessings? Every day you wake me up with a kiss on the forehead and leave a note reminding me of the love you have for me. You perfectly craft my days so that I don't grow comfortable in my faith, but instead challenge me to reach further for your delicate and restoring touch.

I want to see myself the way the Lord sees me. 

Even just for a quick moment.

..........................................

A risk of faith, Daughter.

..........................................

Nothing Can Separate Us from God’s Love

31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself? 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

He Loves Me

What a romance...

Every day God reveals to me how much He loves me. He highlights specific blessings in my life to show me that He's near - That He's listening. 

Yesterday He filled my heart with so much joy. He highlighted the faces of all the people that love me, and oh, they love me well. 

I was nervous early yesterday morning realizing that it was my twenty-fifth birthday. All of the things I hoped to accomplish by 25, I've accomplished none. This hit me hard for a split second, BUT GOD of course wouldn't let me sit in that awful place for very long. He quickly gave me this beautiful story book of all the things I have accomplished these past two years since choosing to walk with Him wholeheartedly, that completely surpass anything I imagined for myself. I really wish I could burn the story on a disc to share, but how amazing is it that we have an intentional Father who is very personal. He made that story book just for me, and for me only. It's between us. I love that. He didn't stop there though, He revealed to me a piece of what He has for me. I cannot express the excitement in my heart. It is just so perfect.

Throughout the day I walked past those highlighted blessings, sat across them at lunch tables, worshiped besides them in service, read such sweet birthday messages from them, and ate some delicious fro-yo along side them. I felt so loved and so celebrated all day long. Then God spoke...

"Daughter, I send you these people not to show you how much they love you, but to show you how much I love you. I loved you first."

"I loved you first"... That just set so well with my heart. My plans failed because He loved me first. These new journeys He's been taking me on from missions to children's ministry to worship are all because He loved me first. How blessed are we to live under the leadership of a God who loved us first.

Walk in that.

As for being 25, I choose to walk in the excitement that the Lord placed in my heart.

It's going to be amazing - I just know it.

................................................

So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.

Philippians 1:9-11  MSG

Slowing Down

Man, God is such a talker. Who knew... 

I seem to be in this new season where He keeps begging me to slow down and just listen to His voice a little deeper, more intentionally, and with a heart to react in obedience. I'm so glad that I finally gave in to trying to hold it all together, and chose to give it all back to God. It's awful, how deeply I burry myself without even noticing it. I'm so grateful to serve a God who joyfully showers me in His perfect grace and endless love. 

The biggest weight I carry is one that tries to convince me that it's my responsibility to keep everyone happy. It tells me that time to myself is not important, and it belongs to the rest of the world. People matter to me. I would give my life so easily for people without question, but I have to learn that my life matters too. I'm learning that if I don't give myself the time I need to free myself, to gain knowledge God has for me, to invest in my heart's desires, then I am not honoring God's will for my life. Such a hard thing to learn, but it makes so much sense. Time for myself is His time with me. 

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I'm currently alone right now downtown in Sundance Square. I know, I know... I can already hear my fathers voice saying "what's the matter with you? Are you crazy or what?". I might be, I don't know. What I do know is that if this is crazy, it feels so much like home. The sky is black. Faces are glowing with the building lights. People are in love. Children are running, and laughing with children who were strangers shortly before. Michael Jackson is singing to me. If I'm crazy, don't bring me back from this. I've been longing to hear with my heart again. I am home.