Words, Seasons, & Things

Well Well... Look where God has brought me. Back to an old blog I semi-purposely quit writing for. Don't you love when He does that? When you ask for a moment with Him to unravel some things on your heart and He takes your hand and leads you down a long, now painful, path of "remember whens". So fun. 

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I've been in this cloud of wonder for some time now. Trying to figure out what it is God has for me in the near future. Having absolutely no plan for life, but twelve-thousand dreams on my heart. My husband (wow that's a first for this blog) would tell you that all of those dreams can be overwhelming to those who function off plans and lists. I can't see why. No really, I can't. I think it's fun to dream and make an itinerary for a trip that will probably never happen or name all 15 puppies I know I'll never have. Do you remember the game Sims? I would create multiple houses and each one was filled with different scenarios for how my life could play out one day. In one house I was living with my best friend Holly and our "one-day husbands" and we were pregnant at the same time. It was awesome! Well, now it would just be awkward, but I got to virtually live that out back when I was young and that was for some reason an actual dream of mine. If she reads this one day, I hope she laughs! I don't have a plan, and I'm not sure that I want one. Any plan I ever made got wrecked either by God's saving grace or my very ADD and adventurous heart. Though I'm thankful God created me the way He did, I have had to fight shame because of it. You task oriented people... geez. The enemy knows how to disguise your confusion for discouragement. The people-pleaser part of me speaks all kinds of names over me such as "failure". Crazy thing is I start to believe it until those moments where God takes me back to those "remember whens". Oh, that's right. My identity is already protected. I don't have to feel this way anymore. 

So why am I here? Why did I just write a bunch of words describing the chaos in my head right now? I was reading a post this morning where someone asked God for a word for 2019. My immediate thought was "Oh that's a good word. I remember when I used to ask God for a word. Good for her!" Then immediately I hear God speak... 

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God: Remember when... 
Me: No... don't say it.
God: Remember when I had you in a a season of vulnerability, too? Where did you go? We weren't done.
Me: Right now? Really?
God: LOVE YOU.

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V U L N E R A B I L I T Y

God didn't have to ask me where I went when I walked away from His challenge. He knew where I ran off to once fear and shame came after me again. He asked me because he wants me to reflect back to that moment. Evaluate what scared me. He loves me enough to encourage me to fight that demon in my life. What I know more now than ever is that I don't have to fight hard. The battle is already won, because THAT IS HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME. So, let's do this. God is calling me back into a season of vulnerability in my walk, in my prayers, in my worship, in my marriage. In all that I do. 

There's 32 days left in 2018. Do you need all 32 days to prepare your heart for what God is going to do in 2019 like I do? I encourage you to take some time to listen to the word God is whispering to your heart for 2019. I pray you find peace in it. 

Without any plan or list, here goes nothing!